The Hurt That Never Goes Away
This entry was posted on January 27, 2007 2:08 PM and is filed under FDNY and The Troops.
January 27th, 2007 ... The Hurt That Never Goes Away.
I received an email from my friend Kim Busch. I read the article she sent me (below) and had to actually sit with my head in my hands and think/pray for just a few minutes. What a world we live in since September 11th. So much pain and sorrow, yet I see Americans pulling together, helping each other, even thought those same Americans need more healing and attention themselves.
Think of all those New Yorkers, who lost fathers, sons, sisters, brothers, relatives and friends on September 11th. That pain never will go away, yet, most of my New York friends function as if September 11th never happened most of the time. Other times I am let into this private part of their personal world and can't imagine living the nightmare they live privately, almost on a daily basis.
I think of Cliff Russell who would not accept the fact that his brother Stephen, an FDNY Firefighters with Engine Company 55, was missing after the September 11th attacks. Cliff wore his brothers uniform and personally searched at Ground Zero (with the help of the guys at E-55) until his brothers body was recovered, bringing closure but not completely healing the Russell Family.
When you meet Cliff, you fall in love with him instantly. Sharp, very witty, charming and "worldly," Cliff is the kind of soul who goes out of his way to make you comfortable in his presents. Cliff was with us in Iraq entertaining the troops and I know the pain he still feels when he misses Stephen very badly. I never want to know that pain. It seems so devastating.
FDNY Firefighter (E-55) John Olivero was the same way, walking with hurt. John once confided in me that over 50 of his friends were killed on September 11th, ... my God, how does someone deal with that.
It's the same with firefighter Vinny Forras, ... he just forged ahead, trying to survive, making the world a better place despite the deep wounds in their hearts.
I have seen my cousins in Detroit deal with the death of their son and brother after they were visited by the Marines telling them Charlie had been killed in action in Vietnam.
Thanksgiving Day will always be a gloomy day in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin for my cousin Joey and his family after the death of Ryan, killed in action on Thanksgiving Night 2004.
We all know we will die one day, but it's the unexpected death that seems to haunt and hurt for a lifetime.
I have had the honor of meeting some of the greatest, sweetest people I have ever met through this blog and through my "hero promoting" concerts. I never stop thinking about the Gold Star Parents who smile and laugh through the saddest eyes. I have so much respect for them.
One of the memories I have of Ryan's funeral was when my cousin's Jerry, Michael and I were leaving the reception. We went to find Ryan's Dad, Joey, to say goodbye. We found him sitting in a corner, alone, eating a sandwich with tears streaming down his face. I couldn't hold back my tears, either could Jerry. We said goodbye to each other, pretending that we weren't crying. It was such an odd moment. I wanted to grab Joey, hug him tight, kiss his cheek and tell him how very, very sorry I was that his oldest son was gone, ... but I didn't. I believe the tears in all of our eyes conveyed that message to each other, but I still wished I would have hugged him and told how sorry I was.
Judy Halone has written a very beautiful article about pain and healing. I agree 100% with her.
Judy writes;
I frequently scraped my knees as a little girl. And nothing worked better to ease the pain than when Mom or Dad dropped what they were doing, offered a Band-Aid, and then kissed it - "To make it feel better," they'd say. A little empathy and a listening ear set me on the road to healing.
A bandage tells others we've experienced pain; that often, someone responded with empathy and a listening ear. My good friend Brandy agrees.
"When my 4-year-old gets hurt, the second he sees the Band-Aid, everything becomes so much more manageable. He starts this slight giggle. Once the bandage is on, it truly is a miracle - he is healed!" Brandy said.
Jennifer Scott knows the power of tending to her 2-year-old son's hurts.
"He always wants a kiss for his owie. He even has special Spiderman Band-Aids, but he's terrified, he refuses to let me use them," Scott said.
She drops what she's doing, offering empathy and a listening ear. She sets her little guy on a road to healing so that someday he'll offer that same compassion to others.
I was reminded of how we never really outgrow our need for bandages when I recently spoke with Beth Johnson, my sister-in-law.
"I'm writing a column about how bandages help childhood owies feel better," I said.
A long pause followed.
"Children aren't the only ones who need Band-Aids," Beth said. "Adults may say they don't need them, but they need them, too." She spoke with insight and the deep ache that came from burying her 23 year-old soldier son only four days earlier.
By volunteering to share her immense pain, she wanted you to understand that it's OK to let others know when you're hurting.
"Right now, I want a large gauze Band-Aid with lots and lots of tape for this hurt," she said.
Like Beth, Brandy hopes her children will not only voice their pain, but apply empathy and a listening ear to others in need, too.
"I have always stopped on a dime if my babies have ever needed a kiss or a miracle Band-Aid. My greatest fears are the ones I can't see - like broken hearts, broken dreams and illnesses that can be working on them before I know there is even anything wrong.
"I know what a hug and a kiss can cure, and hopefully those will be enough to always make the pain manageable as they grow up," Brandy said.
The next time I know of a friend who's hurting, I hope I'll drop everything to offer empathy, a listening ear and help set them on the road to healing.
It's what I call the Bandage of Friendship.
Judy Halone (judy@judyhalone.com) is a member
of the Washington Newspaper Publishers Association
and the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Judy Halone
I received an email from my friend Kim Busch. I read the article she sent me (below) and had to actually sit with my head in my hands and think/pray for just a few minutes. What a world we live in since September 11th. So much pain and sorrow, yet I see Americans pulling together, helping each other, even thought those same Americans need more healing and attention themselves.
Think of all those New Yorkers, who lost fathers, sons, sisters, brothers, relatives and friends on September 11th. That pain never will go away, yet, most of my New York friends function as if September 11th never happened most of the time. Other times I am let into this private part of their personal world and can't imagine living the nightmare they live privately, almost on a daily basis.
I think of Cliff Russell who would not accept the fact that his brother Stephen, an FDNY Firefighters with Engine Company 55, was missing after the September 11th attacks. Cliff wore his brothers uniform and personally searched at Ground Zero (with the help of the guys at E-55) until his brothers body was recovered, bringing closure but not completely healing the Russell Family.
When you meet Cliff, you fall in love with him instantly. Sharp, very witty, charming and "worldly," Cliff is the kind of soul who goes out of his way to make you comfortable in his presents. Cliff was with us in Iraq entertaining the troops and I know the pain he still feels when he misses Stephen very badly. I never want to know that pain. It seems so devastating.
FDNY Firefighter (E-55) John Olivero was the same way, walking with hurt. John once confided in me that over 50 of his friends were killed on September 11th, ... my God, how does someone deal with that.
It's the same with firefighter Vinny Forras, ... he just forged ahead, trying to survive, making the world a better place despite the deep wounds in their hearts.
I have seen my cousins in Detroit deal with the death of their son and brother after they were visited by the Marines telling them Charlie had been killed in action in Vietnam.
Thanksgiving Day will always be a gloomy day in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin for my cousin Joey and his family after the death of Ryan, killed in action on Thanksgiving Night 2004.
We all know we will die one day, but it's the unexpected death that seems to haunt and hurt for a lifetime.
I have had the honor of meeting some of the greatest, sweetest people I have ever met through this blog and through my "hero promoting" concerts. I never stop thinking about the Gold Star Parents who smile and laugh through the saddest eyes. I have so much respect for them.
One of the memories I have of Ryan's funeral was when my cousin's Jerry, Michael and I were leaving the reception. We went to find Ryan's Dad, Joey, to say goodbye. We found him sitting in a corner, alone, eating a sandwich with tears streaming down his face. I couldn't hold back my tears, either could Jerry. We said goodbye to each other, pretending that we weren't crying. It was such an odd moment. I wanted to grab Joey, hug him tight, kiss his cheek and tell him how very, very sorry I was that his oldest son was gone, ... but I didn't. I believe the tears in all of our eyes conveyed that message to each other, but I still wished I would have hugged him and told how sorry I was.
Judy Halone has written a very beautiful article about pain and healing. I agree 100% with her.
Judy writes;
 |
| Don't make me turn this car around! Judy Halone |
A bandage tells others we've experienced pain; that often, someone responded with empathy and a listening ear. My good friend Brandy agrees.
"When my 4-year-old gets hurt, the second he sees the Band-Aid, everything becomes so much more manageable. He starts this slight giggle. Once the bandage is on, it truly is a miracle - he is healed!" Brandy said.
Jennifer Scott knows the power of tending to her 2-year-old son's hurts.
"He always wants a kiss for his owie. He even has special Spiderman Band-Aids, but he's terrified, he refuses to let me use them," Scott said.
She drops what she's doing, offering empathy and a listening ear. She sets her little guy on a road to healing so that someday he'll offer that same compassion to others.
"I'm writing a column about how bandages help childhood owies feel better," I said.
A long pause followed.
"Children aren't the only ones who need Band-Aids," Beth said. "Adults may say they don't need them, but they need them, too." She spoke with insight and the deep ache that came from burying her 23 year-old soldier son only four days earlier.
By volunteering to share her immense pain, she wanted you to understand that it's OK to let others know when you're hurting.
"Right now, I want a large gauze Band-Aid with lots and lots of tape for this hurt," she said.
Like Beth, Brandy hopes her children will not only voice their pain, but apply empathy and a listening ear to others in need, too.
"I have always stopped on a dime if my babies have ever needed a kiss or a miracle Band-Aid. My greatest fears are the ones I can't see - like broken hearts, broken dreams and illnesses that can be working on them before I know there is even anything wrong.
"I know what a hug and a kiss can cure, and hopefully those will be enough to always make the pain manageable as they grow up," Brandy said.
The next time I know of a friend who's hurting, I hope I'll drop everything to offer empathy, a listening ear and help set them on the road to healing.
It's what I call the Bandage of Friendship.
Judy Halone (judy@judyhalone.com) is a member
of the Washington Newspaper Publishers Association
and the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Judy Halone
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January 28, 2007 10:18 AM
Lisa Smith wrote:
Thanks for sharing the great article and personal thoughts about the people you've known and how it has driven your life Joe. It takes a compassionate heart to be able to enter into pain with others.
I heard a saying a few years ago - "Life is 10% what happens and 90% your response to it". I think its true. People you mentioned took their pain and channeled it to help others. That's when healing takes place. No the hurt won't go away,but life can still be rich and purposeful. God has a plan for each and every person, giving strength and capacity to go on even in the worse situations. We humans can't do that on our own. Look at the lives saved and changed because of what Vinny and Tom are doing. Something good did come out of that awful day in September 2001. The freedom we have today is because people like Ryan committed themselves to their country, fought and died for it-and still are. Look at how the Heart of a Marine Foundation got started.
I agree, life is more rewarding when we're doing it together for the benefit of others.
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